Navigating the “Firsts”

How do we navigate these moments while honoring both your grief and the love you shared?

Losing someone you love is one of the most heart-wrenching experiences a person can go

through. The days, weeks, months and yes even years can feel like a blur of emotions—grief,

sadness, numbness—but eventually, you’ll face something that can feel equally challenging; the “firsts”.

The first time you celebrate a birthday, an anniversary, or another special occasion without them. These moments can feel like a reminder of the void they’ve left behind, and they often bring up a mix of emotions that are hard to navigate. But even in the pain, these “firsts” also hold the potential for healing and transformation.

“Firsts” are so difficult because after a significant loss, life continues to move forward, and you

find yourself facing these milestones that had always been filled with joy and celebration, and

now these events can feel overwhelming and almost unbearable. The absence of your loved is magnified, and it’s easy to feel like you’ll never be able to enjoy these moments again.

Can we find a way to honor these “firsts?” While we may not be able to change the fact that

these special days will look different now, there are ways we can approach them that can help

with the emotional load. What we have, is an opportunity to create new meaning, by honoring

your loved one’s memory, and take steps towards healing. These moments can become a way to reframe your grief and integrate your loss into your new reality.

I have always loved to cook, and while on this grief journey, cooking became a tool for me, to

find comfort and a sense of calmness. So much of grieving we cannot control, but cooking

helped me to feel that somehow, I was. David’s birthday is fast approaching and to help me to get through the day and also honor his memory, I will bake his mom’s recipe for Chocolate

Buttermilk Cake/w Mocha Frosting. She made this for everyone’s birthday and it was David’s

favorite. It’s been many years since David’s passing, and it has definitely got easier, but I

remember vividly what that first birthday was like without him. Through my tears I made that

cake because it helped me to feel close to him, now when I make this cake, my memories bring mostly smiles thinking about our life together and how blessed we were to have been able to share so much of our lives together.

However, first and foremost, we must always acknowledge our feelings. Grief is hard! Firsts can be hard, there is really no way around that. It’s so important to allow yourself to feel whatever comes—sadness, anger, longing, even joy when you least expect it. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and no timeline for when it should get easier, but as time passes you will begin to be able to remember things in a much less painful way.

Remembering and sharing stories of your loved one is very important, you are honoring their

memory by doing this and it is a part of your healing process. Celebrating the various “firsts”

such as birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, the anniversary of that person’s

death can be done in any way you see fit, from a quiet trip to the grave or a full- blown party

with family and friends. This helps us to remember the good times.

What are some of the “firsts” you have had to face and how did you cope? Did you feel the need to be alone and reflect, or did you want to be with others and talk about your loved one? Did you cook like me, making that person’s favorite meal, I would love to hear you share your stories on how you have honored your loved one.

Next month will be the anniversary of David's death and this one is hard for me, so I’m not sure what I will be cooking, but I am sure it will be something that brings me a lot of comfort!

Remember to take care of YOU!

Patti